How many of you thought I had good news to share last week? When you saw my heading about making a breakthrough did you think I had landed on my feet? HA! Tricked you! I wish this was over and I was getting settled into my dream job this week. As you read, that is not the case.
This week I am feeling the weight of the decision I made. In the wisdom of my elders, “it’s better to find a job when you have a job”, “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”, you get the gist…. The look of worry on my son’s face that I had turned down the job. I’m feeling scared and nervous. I’m going through a moment of self-doubt and second guessing myself.
Where is this coming from? It’s partially because I get to pay my taxes this week and looking for a house has set off a new cascade of anxiety and worry. Bear with me while I regroup and do a reality check! I need to pick up where I left off. It’s a new week, what do I do next?
It helps me to walk and breathe deeply. Those who live in my neighborhood have seen me walking A LOT the past 3 years, through snow storms and icy sidewalks, in the middle of the road whenever I couldn’t conquer the sidewalks. Fortunately, the weather has improved so walking and running outside are back on the table. Moving helps me think clearly.
What are my options? Being paralyzed with fear about making the wrong decisions, about not being able to fulfill my purpose, about not being able to pay my bills or buy a house, these fears are real but they do not serve me. This physical sensation in the pit of my belly is the impetus meant to kick me off my butt and take action or curl into a ball in despair…. I get to choose to shrink or expand? I choose the latter.
By not taking that job, I have time to think clearly about what I want and focus on what is important to me. I will use this time to pursue the projects I was working on. I have time to dedicate to my training program and research grant opportunities to fund myself for meaningful programs in my community. I have leads for new jobs, people are sending my way with exciting opportunities to reinvent myself.
I will meet with a financial advisor to put my finances into perspective to alleviate those fears. I will prepare my yoga class so I can be the best damn hot yoga teacher in WNY! The new studio is a week away from opening and I need to be ready. I will write my blog and share my thoughts with you all. I have gifted myself this precious time, I am sure as hell not going to squander it, paralyzed with fear.
I get to make lists of creative solutions and research them. I get to lean on my support system for advice and help in their specialized areas including, career coaches, business advisors, my accountant and friends I haven’t spoken to in years. People want to help and I am blessed with kind, generous people in my life. I get to connect and learn more, I get to keep moving forward.
I am on the path to my truth. Journaling helps to make sense of it all and figure out how my fears are trying to guide me. It’s ok to be afraid because there is always something hidden in there trying to tell me something.
For instance, my lease is up in a couple of months so I went to look at a house this weekend. The insecurity I feel in renting an apartment stems from the belief that owning my own home equals safety and freedom and that I’m not throwing money out the window or building equity. This is the practical way of thinking of how I was raised. The housing market has exploded and I am at the mercy of the seller. For this reason, I feel like the universe is against me committing to buying a house right now.
What I want in a house is inspiring me that I need to get more creative about how to generate an income. The momentum of the universe is connecting me with new people every minute. My creative juices are flowing. I am curious to see where these ideas take me. I will keep you posted….
I made the right decision for right now, for not settling on a job that wasn’t the right fit and would interfere with searching for what I really want from a job. I’m excited to see what opens up for me now with the time and freedom to choose what I want to do next.
Everything is ok. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, good health and surrounded by loved ones. I am blessed. I get to take action and respect my fear for what it has to tell me but not be controlled by fear as to the decisions I get to make.