I’m not sure how to follow that first post but I’m going to try.

My purpose for writing this down is to try to understand what is important to me. Writing has been one of my outlets throughout my job loss journey to help me make sense of my journey and maybe, by sharing this, I will get constructive feedback about what I could do differently or help someone else going through the same thing. All I know for sure is that I need to do something!

Since losing my job, I have taken the time to attend a career placement program, network and connect with people who I admire and respect in and out of my industry, get my Master’s degree, dig deep with the hopes to reinvent myself. My intention has been to take this opportunity to learn and grow into something new.

That being said, every single job I have applied for and interviewed for has resulted in rejection after rejection. Should I be taking this personally? It’s hard not to, but again, I can’t help but think it’s more blessings from the universe.

If I had taken any of the positions I applied for over the past 3 years, I would have gone back to where I left off, not where I have been working so hard to go. I am looking at the rejections as a blessing after all. The most recent experience was painful because I was rejected by my past employer for a job I was recommended to apply and interview.

I thought that I had a pretty good chance at getting the job because I was told I would be perfect for the job. To be completely honest, I applied because I felt I had something to prove to myself that I was worthy and deserving to work there after being let go 3 years ago. Therein lies the pain and anguish of not getting the job. I have been turned down for many jobs but this one was particularly painful.

That brings me to another revelation I am having, about re-thinking my career altogether. I was in my last position for 22 years. I know I need to do something different with every ounce of my being. I am having trouble letting go of my field of pharmacy even though all signs are pointing for me to do that. If I can find a job that utilizes my extensive experiences in every aspect of pharmacy and managed care, I can satisfy my need to help people achieve their best life without making huge changes or going bankrupt.

I could help people navigate the healthcare system like I helped my father figure out why he was blacking out going from sitting to standing by reviewing his medications and working with his doctors to find a solution. I’m not trying to toot my own horn but no one had been able to figure it out until I pointed out the problem. I know I have a lot to offer people. It would be a shame to let my knowledge be wasted.

What am I supposed to do though? With everything that has happened and every rejection, my confidence has taken a beating, and according to my interviewer, my lack of confidence came across in my interview. I’m not trying to make excuses, but interviewing has never been an area of comfort for me which is why, I spent a year of practice sessions with the career placement company to practice answering interview questions. The irony is that I thought I had nailed that interview because I was so comfortable with all the people I had worked with for years.

My issue isn’t that I don’t know how to have a conversation. I’m smart and personable and authentic. Canned responses aren’t authentic to me. If I can have an open and honest conversation, I won’t bullshit you. There are so many rules about what you should say and what not to say in an interview and so many different versions of the answers that contradict each other that, yeah, I am not altogether comfortable in interviews and interviews aren’t going anywhere. Why is this so fucking hard?

So, where does that leave me? Am I employable? Am I competent? I have been working since I was 14 years old, is it time for me to retire? I feel like I still have something to give. I am a long way from when I thought retirement would be and I feel the need to do more and something meaningful. I long for a creative outlet, for my genius to shine, for me to shine, dammit! I was not meant to be snuffed out so abruptly! I guess that’s my answer. “I’m not dead yet” (Monty Python-fans). I’ll figure it out.

Like I said, writing is a way for me to figure things out, maybe that is what I am being called to do. I am hoping to find clarity in this process. Stay with me.