I may make you uncomfortable with what I have to say today.
Staying positive, in the theme of looking for the silver linings of crappy situations has served me well in getting me through some very painful stuff and I appreciate the encouragement I have received from you all.
Things are coming up for me as painful memories of shock, betrayal, hurt and anger stored up in my emotional, mental and physical body.
Why are these things coming up now? I found myself at the height of my anxiety on the precipice of starting my business.
I realized I was getting cold feet, and I needed help. I found a therapist and have begun intense, weekly therapy to help address the resistance that I have been feeling.
She has helped me identify my pattern of shoving my emotions down and glossing over them, instead of experiencing them. It’s uncomfortable and who wants to feel crappy emotions?
Expressing emotion has never been acceptable behavior in my experience. Socially and culturally, it was perceived as weakness especially when manifested as tears, trembling, anger, rage.
In my case, no degree of emotional expression was tolerated. Speaking my truth was met with disapproval, an evil eye and seen as disobedience or worse, rebellion and punishable by isolation and loss of freedom.
But the fact is, these are normal physiological functions that allow us to release our emotions when we sense something is wrong. My pattern to bury my emotions has not served me or allowed me to release and move on. Instead, they have built up over time.
My therapist encourages me to notice when my emotions present themselves and focus on how and where they physically feel in my body as they arise, then miraculously, they subside.
We experience emotions continuously and by tuning into them, it allows this catch and release immediately. They are more riveting than Netflix!
Having this awareness now, I am ready and willing to dig deep into my buried hurt, anger and rage and safely release them. For these, deep, buried emotions, she has taught me cathartic exercises to bring me back to calm neutrality.
The more of this I do, the more shows up. I look forward to the time when I’m caught up with all of my emotions. It is hard and uncomfortable and important for my healing.
I hope I haven’t made it uncomfortable for you read about this. On the other hand, I hope it gives you courage to acknowledge your own emotions head on and embrace them as your guidance system without shame or judgement.